Thursday, July 27, 2017

Get Your Stuff and Leave...Please

My shift at Target last night. Where do I begin?

I had a grapefruit thrown at me. I told the customer I wasn’t doing a comedy routine, so there was no reason to be medieval. I jokingly berated him in front of the other customers and we all laughed. The grapefruit really slipped out of his hand and headed my direction but I told him I would greatly embellish the details of our encounter. (I did, in fact, have a guest throw a package of men’s underwear at me that he intended to purchase. He seemed to think it was okay to catch me off guard by hurling his future undergarments at me. I did not think it was okay.)

A young man was in my line purchasing a few items, which included a box of strawberry Pop Tarts. I commented, “Cinnamon Sugar and Strawberry Pop Tarts are the only acceptable flavors of Pop Tarts. Period.” He laughed and replied in a British accent, “Oh really? I have never had one, this is my first.” I gasped, “Well getting ready to have your eyeballs vibrate!” He laughed some more, revealing a most impressive set of snaggly teeth. They were clean but I have never seen teeth the likes of his. I then asked him how long he had been in America and what was the coolest or craziest thing he had seen or experienced. Without hesitation, he said, “The portion size.” I laughed and felt a twinge of embarrassment for my country and then said, “Welcome to America, land of the free and home of the obese.”  I hope I made his Target experience a memorable one.

An entire empty tube of toothpaste was found in the grocery section. When an employee brought it up to the customer service counter to ask what should be done with it, she also told us her theory about why it was there. She was convinced someone had eaten the toothpaste in the store and left the tube behind. I theorized it was probably brought in by a guest to remember which toothpaste they were supposed to buy and then left behind because they were not very considerate. I couldn’t convince my co-worker the toothpaste had not been consumed.
A young lady I work with said she didn’t think I was old enough to have been with the same guy for the last fifteen years and have two kids. She said I looked much younger than my age. A few minutes later she said I was the happiest employee working for Target.

A lovely lady was buying about twenty bottles of Sinful Colors nail polish for a Sunday school lesson. I pointed this fact out to her and she laughed all the way out of the store.

Our security guy told me he always knows when I’m working, even if he can’t see me, because he recognizes my laugh.

The second to last customer of the night was walking up to the register after the overhead lights had been turned off. She insisted we stayed open until eleven because another Target in the area did. We assured her our closing time was ten o’clock. She didn’t seem to understand I needed to scan the two items she was purchasing. She was holding onto to one item, sanitary pads, continuing to examine the package. When I finally did get her item into my hand, she noticed my wedding ring. She was VERY interested in it. Usually when someone notices my ring, they just compliment it and move on. This woman wanted to inspect it like a jeweler. I started to get uncomfortable.

When her transaction was complete, I went to hand her the receipt. Without realizing it, I must have touched my face first, scratching it or adjusting my glasses, I honestly don’t know what I did. She then told me she has a thing about germs and people’s faces and she requested a new receipt. But she still took the first one that had my face germs on it. Then she crumpled it spreading more of my face germs on her hand. When the new receipt printed, she didn’t want me to hand it to her. She reached over the counter to fetch it. But wait, there’s more.  I proceeded to help the last customer. I didn’t hear or see her say to my manager that she needed to use the restroom. The last customer was a super nice guy and saw everything that went down with face germ lady. She was just one of those peculiar people that makes the shift interesting and he understood.

As I wished him a good evening, germ face lady came back to the register and requested a refund for the opened package of sanitary pads she had just purchased. She then proceeded to tell my poor manager, in detail, about how this product did not fit her bladder needs. My manager was very polite and returned the purchase. Apparently, this guest is notorious for being rude and returning purchases immediately after completing the transaction. She was a real peach, let me tell you.

So, the shift ended on an odd note. But the night ended on a high one. When I said good night and that I would be back on Saturday, my boss was thoroughly disappointed we wouldn’t be working together. Every time I think I am going to call in to work and say I can’t make it, but then I go anyway, my ego is stroked and I must go back for more of that sweet validation. Yes, I am the Chanhappenin’ Target lady. Remember, we close at ten.

1 comment: