Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Permission to Fail

12/6/2013 around 9am

Today I'm giving myself permission to fail.  I fail all the time but I feel the guilt that goes along with it.  Today I'm going to ignore the guilt.  Jack will not care that I didn't decorate the house for Christmas.  Rylee will be happy when the tree is finally put up.  I'm not going to make excuses as to why I didn't accomplish the things I wanted to accomplish.  I'm going to make sure my family is fed and that will have to be it for the day.  I'm sick of feeling like a failure because I'm not exercising, cleaning, crafting masterpieces, socializing, running a charity, or running a marathon.  I don't sleep normal hours, I haven't for over a year.  

I'll have to finish this thought later, Jack is crying and needs to be changed and fed.

(Never got back to finishing that thought.  Fail.)

12/10/2013 between 6pm and 7pm

Need to clean the kitchen so I have counter space to prepare dinner.  Jack won't settle down, cleaning is on hold.  Twenty minutes later Jack finally goes down.  Quick clean!  Done, for the most part, still can't see the dining room table.  Oh well, quick, make the dinner!  Get the bath ready for the kids.  Tub needs a quick scrub.  Rylee undresses Jack, he screams the whole time.  I pick him up, he's fine.  Bath time, at least until the timer goes off.  Start washing Jack, John is calling.  Got the last copy of Despicable Me 2 with Minion toys in the south metro area, great job honey.  Back to the bath.  Timer is about to go off.  Get Jack out of bath, turn on shower to rinse all his hair.  Shower head twists, floor is wet, my right side is soaking, Jack is screaming now and squirming.  Now my front is soaked from holding him while trying to grab my towel because I forgot his.  Instruct Rylee to wash and condition her hair.  She can handle it, she's done it before.  Trying to dry off Jack while he reaches another octave.  Harley the cat is meowing and pacing in Jack's room.  His crying is freaking her out.  My ears are about to bleed.  Timer is probably going off, I can't actually hear it over Jack.  Set him in his crib.  Get Harley out of Jack's room, shut the door.  

Yup timer is beeping.  Jack is screaming.  Rylee is calling for me.  She can't open the shampoo.  She already used conditioner.  There's a pile up of it and she needs help rinsing.  Apparently I needed to instruct her again, she can't handle it.  Hold on Rylee, just get under the water.  Pull dinner out of the oven.  Make a bottle for Jack.  Harley is reaching under Jack's door meowing and thinking she can help him.  Get Jack out of crib.  Prop Jack up in the chair with bottle.  Rinse Rylee's hair out.  Put bottle back in Jack's mouth.  Get Rylee's plate ready.  Crap, I didn't make a vegetable.  I suck as a mother.  Put the bottle back in Jack's mouth.  Phone is buzzing with multiple texts.  Get my food, cut up my chicken for easy and fast consumption while holding the unappeasable Jack.  Eat while plate is balancing on lap.  Chicken is gone in 72 seconds.  Home Alone is on, fine, dinner and a movie for Rylee it is.  Burp Jack.  John is home.  I haven't showered. Type this whole thing on my iPod with one hand while holding Jack as he falls asleep.  Hand over to John to read so he doesn't think I'm just cranky.  I can't form words with my mouth at this point.  

Thoughts about other things I've failed at start rushing in.  I haven't made a Christmas card.  I really wanted to do that this year and time is flying by.  New Year card perhaps?  The basement is a mess.  I wanted to make Christmas presents with Rylee.  Can't keep up.  My bedroom closet is a mess.  I can organize so well.  Why can't I maintain it?!  Tree still isn't decorated.  What about Christmas cookies?  Rylee is really looking forward to making Christmas cookies.  I really need to clean the kitchen table.  Rylee hasn't done her reading homework for the night.  I guess we'll worry about that in the morning.  Why am I writing when I have so much to do?  I have no energy.  Is is still okay to sleep when Jack is sleeping during the day?  I do have to get up in the middle of the night and really early in the morning, I need sleep right?  I don't get to go out with friends for cocktails and a movie.  I guess I'll eat what I want because that makes me happy.  I am gaining weight, I guess I can't eat what I want.  I need to exercise.  When?  Don't make excuses.  Something always gets in the way.  Now it's sub-zero temps outside, walking is just not going to happen.  Go to a mall and walk.  Then you have pack everything for Jack.  Lift the stroller into the car.  Get the stroller out of the car.  Your back will go out again.  But if you exercise it will help your back.  Oh my God, I think I'll just go lay down now.  Oh how soon we forget about giving ourselves permission to fail.  Or was that permission only for one day?

Oh super, the Victoria's Secret fashion show is on tonight.  I don't want to fall into complete and utter despair, so I won't be watching that.