Roots, Release, Restoration

I forget exactly when I became interested in my family history. I know learning my dad's paternity was the fuel on the fire but when that match was lit, I am still trying to recall. I started watching Who Do You Think You Are on TLC when it first started. I was instantly captivated by the connection we have to our nation and our world's history. Some of the family history uncovered for those famous people was so remarkable. Connections to the Underground Railroad, the Tower of London, every war you can name, royalty, and alcoholics. You name it, we're connected. We're all connected. It's mind boggling to think I am probably related to someone I have met at Target or sat next to an unknown cousin at a movie theater. Some of us are related to famous people in history or people involved in historical moments that shaped the nation, the world. It's all quite fantastic. History is fascinating to me, but family history is what keeps me up 'til three in the morning because I come across another person in my tree and I want to know more about them. Learning about our ancestors humanizes history.

Some of you know the story about a picture of Rylee with a butterfly on her nose winning the grand prize from Minnesota Zoo's photo competition. I mean you had to have heard it by now. I tell complete strangers that story any time the opportunity presents itself. Just in case you haven't, read it here: Jessica in Wonderment

When I started watching a show about genealogy, I was enthralled and unexpectedly defeated. I thought I would never be able to find the information I was looking for without a billion dollars to travel to another state or even a different country. I didn't have the means. Based on what I was consistently viewing on the show, the only way to find out everything you would want to know would be to travel to historical societies, state archives, national archives, etc. So I determined my quest for answers about my family tree would be limited to the Ancestry.com website. I didn't feel like I failed my dad by not being able to tell him I found his father's identity. I determined I would have to learn to let it go and resolve to understand there were facts about my lineage that I would never know.

Ancestry.com started doing DNA tests in 2012. DNA tests started showing up in commercials and becoming a perfectly normal thing to do to find out where in the world you came from or at least were compiled from. A DNA test was one credit card purchase away and no longer strictly for Maury Povich to reveal. You ordered a kit, spit in a tube, and waited for an email. In January of 2016 I thought it would be worth a shot to order my dad a DNA kit and determine where he was from. Since we knew the man he was told was his father was definitely from Romania, we could at least see if my dad was too. The test came back and wouldn't you know it, our suspicions about Gino Churder were correct. Gino, you are NOT the father of Rick Churder. Okay now what? We know Rick isn't Gino's son, so who's son is he? The list of people my dad was technically related to didn't offer much help since no one's last name, on a long list of distant cousins, didn't look familiar or have any meaning to us. Well, it was worth a try. We wouldn't have to wonder about Gino any longer. It was actually a relief for me. I had been trying to forgive my supposed grandfather of his lack of participation in my life and it seemed easier to just let that man go because he wasn't actually my grandfather. I had only a few encounters with him my whole life, so I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. I didn't have to worry about feeling guilty for no longer attempting to keep in contact with him. I didn't have to waste stamps on Christmas cards I sent, to which I never received replies. I felt freedom.

Now I was faced with a new challenge. How do I accept not knowing who my grandfather was? More importantly, how do I deal with my dad not knowing? That void was heartbreaking for me. I never knew my mom's mother because she passed away when my mom was very young. What if my dad's father was still alive? How the heck do you find someone when you have no information to go on? Or worse, what if he didn't want to be found?

I started to work on embracing that my family tree was lopsided. It would be missing an essential branch and I would have to live with that. My dad would pass away never knowing his father.
On August 3, 2018, I was given hope that I may find the answer I was looking for, thanks to my butterfly friend, Tracy. Wait, Tracy that took a grand prize winning photo of Rylee? Yes, that Tracy.

See, Tracy had been doing some of her own ancestry research and went so far as to hire a pair of genealogists to help her out. Tracy had been sharing some interesting facts and stories about what she was discovering about her deceased relatives. As I stated previously, I love family history. Every time Tracy shared a story about her family, I just had to read it and it brought a smile to my face. It felt like a victory to me. These people were going to live on and not be forgotten. It showed me that I had truly found a kindred spirit in Tracy. If I couldn't find the answer I was looking for, I was happy Tracy was having so much fun learning about her past relatives. I happened to comment on one of her posts and shared a snippet of my attempts at discovering my roots and my specific quest for my paternal grandfather. Tracy replied in a private message and changed my life. She offered her genealogists' services to me. She validated me. She told me she was doing this for me because of all the positivity I put out there in the world, because I brought joy to so many others. This was one of those moments that shapes you. One of those moments you feel a physical reaction to deep emotions. Tears are the obvious manifestation but it's so much more. It's as if you are suddenly aware of your soul as something physical in you, and you feel it move. You feel it dance. Hope is its music.

I was to receive an Ancestry DNA kit and a 23andme DNA kit. These were the most popular DNA sites around, so I needed to put my DNA out there and see if anyone showed up as a strong match. The kits arrived on August 7th and I struggled to make spit. When you have to produce that much saliva, it suddenly becomes difficult. I don't think I really let myself think about the fact I could be one surreal evening away from finding the answer for my dad to the biggest question of his life. The results arrived and the genealogist got to work in October. By December 21st, the genealogist emailed me her findings and reasons behind whom she believed to be the man I was looking for.

I stared at the results on 23andme. There she was, this woman that had an eleven percent DNA match to my own. My cousin, Ben, had a fifteen percent match to me. Anyone else listed that I was related to, the percentage dropped significantly. There was another woman that matched my dad on Ancestry.com and showed up again in my results. She was related to the woman with the 11 percent match to me. Um, I'm not a scientist, but I knew something was up. I went for it, I messaged her. Her name is Janet. I didn't wait to read about how one should go about contacting a fellow DNA sharing person. I know now there are videos to watch and articles to read about how to do this tactfully and carefully. I was too excited and my gut said, "It's fine, this will be fine. You will convey you are not after anything except an answer. You aren't trying to swindle anyone or hurt anyone. She's going to sense that. She's going to trust you."

And she did.

And we messaged. And we found each other on Facebook. And she shared photos of her father. And I knew the genealogist was right. I knew I found my paternal grandfather. I knew it in the marrow of my bones. Now how do I confirm this?

Baby Charles and Baby Rick

Cowboy Charles and Cowboy Rick

Charles and Rick

Charles and Rick

Charles and Rick

Chuck and CHUD

Grandpa Charles and Granpa Rick

I ordered my dad a DNA kit from 23andme. If my dad's DNA matched Janet's at a certain number, it would confirm they were half-siblings. Kit came, dad spit, we waited.

Oh my God did we wait. It was the anticipation that made that wait pure torture. We were told the results would arrive early. Then it was past the original date we thought we'd find out. ARGH!! It was awful. "God please don't let my dad's heart and mine be broken! Please bring us the news my heart has so deeply desired for the last ten years! I've been searching and praying for so long."

➢ The 23andMe results for Jessica Roemer are in. A world of DNA discovery is waiting.

My dad got the email and called me. We Facetimed to view the results together.

My soul moved again. It danced. It celebrated.

I messaged Janet to see if she was available for a phone call. I figured out how to do a three way call with my dad and Janet.

Jessica, "Okay dad, just hold on, I'm calling Janet. Let me talk first please."
**rrringg
Janet, "Hello?"
Jessica, "Hi Aunt Janet, I'd like to introduce you to your half-brother, Rick."
Janet, "Oh hello Rick! It's so wonderful to finally talk to you!"
You could hear my dad smiling as he said, "Hi Janet. It's so nice to talk to you too."

My parents are flying to California at the end of July. My dad is going to meet his two half-sisters and half-brother. Along with his siblings' mom, spouses, and children.

All of my immediate family and new extended family agree, we don't believe my paternal grandfather, Charles "Chuck" Sheahan, ever knew my dad existed. Knowing the difficulties my grandma faced in her childhood, I know my grandma did the best she could. She may have not known my dad's paternity. I am a mother now and I just feel like I understand my grandma so much more than I ever could have when I was younger. She made some less than favorable choices and I believe they were made and carried out with a lot of pain. People didn't talk about abuse and promiscuity back then. I don't bring this up to embarrass my family or shame my grandma. I bring it up to remind people it's okay to talk about your pain. It's okay to cry and share your worries with others, no matter how crazy it feels.

I am still wondering how to address this new group of people in my life. I am not there to look them in the eyes and tell them how much it means to me to find them. I have so many questions about Chuck. And yet, I can't think of a single one to ask. I have so many feelings swirling inside me that I don't know which one to grab and process. Of course life is so busy for me right now, between work and kids, it feels like I don't have a moment to myself. It's difficult to be calm and reflect when there is always another fire for me to put out. I want to make a list of questions for my new family, but when I think I might have a moment to make an attempt, my mind goes blank. For now, I will just let it be. I will marinate in the joy that I got the answer I was searching for. The intense thirst of my heart has been quenched. How many people can say that in their lifetime? I am truly blessed.

On January 7, 2019, I didn't let fear keep me from reaching out and being vulnerable. My tree started sprouting on the bare side. I am proud of myself for being a positive person and consistently reaching out to meet people. I am proud of myself for not giving up. I am proud of myself for facilitating the journey that resulted in my dad finding out his father's name.

Dad, you were not rejected. He didn't know you existed. Your mom loved you and was just trying to make it through life carrying a lot of pain. Right now it's celebration time. I can't wait for pictures!

I am so grateful to my new family for their graciousness and support. I can't wait to meet all of you! I am grateful Judy Scudder Garber was a match on Ancestry.com. I am grateful Janet replied to me. I am grateful to the The Formidable Genealogist

I am grateful a butterfly landed on Rylee's nose.

I’m a firm believer in “What goes around comes around.”  So happy to have a role in returning the blessing to you.

Regards,

Tracy - 6/29/2015



***** THERE IS AN UPDATE! ****** 

My parents went to California and my dad met his siblings!!

Rick, Leeann, Janet, Jeffrey

***** THERE IS AN UPDATE! ****** 

While in California, my parents were looking at photos of Chuck and they came across a surprise. Unbeknownst to my dad's siblings, there was a photo of my grandma and grandfather together! It's a promo shot for a play taken at the Laguna Playhouse. As far as we can surmise, they met while doing a play together!! 

From left to right:
Unknown, Mary (my grandma looking at the camera), Unknown, Unknown, Chuck (my grandfather), Unknown, Unknown

 

Rylee Times Two

Over the last eight years, our family has gotten to know a gentleman at the end of our street thanks to his doggo, Maverick. The man’s name is Jim. Maverick was the first dog we met in the neighborhood, and Jim was the first person who didn't live directly next door. Halfway through our growing friendship, Jim’s son, Adam, came into the picture. Adam has an English Mastiff named Roxy.

Maverick

Roxy

                         

                         

When Jim takes Maverick for a 30-minute walk, it turns into two hours. Everyone in the neighborhood comes out to say hi to Maverick! As Rylee has gotten older and gained confidence, she’s visited Jim, Adam, and their dogs as they sit in their driveway on gorgeous MN weather days. As Maverick started to show his age, Rylee became more concerned about Maverick possibly passing away soon. Jim went through a serious heart attack last year, and we offered to watch the dogs if needed. We were worried for Jim, obviously, but also Maverick. Dogs worry about their humans, too! We truly feel like part of a community in these moments.

Well, the weather has warmed up, and people are coming out of hibernation. So, dogs are outside more as well. A week ago, Rylee and I were headed out to run an errand when we saw Roxy outside and noticed Maverick was absent. We turned the car around and knocked on Jim’s door. We were worried about them. When no one answered, I texted Adam. He let me know Jim was just fine. Unfortunately, Maverick had passed away. Jim and Adam had gone on a trip to Hawaii, and Maverick passed away the day after they got home. It’s like he waited to so he could say goodbye. Obviously, we are so sad for Jim and his family. We offered our condolences and left it at that. Then, I received a text from Adam with a sweet picture of Maverick and Roxy in a special frame. I felt honored to take pictures of their sweet pups. They are always puppies to me! So that was that.

Or so I thought!

On Wednesday, March 20th, I came home to my husband standing in the driveway, smiling ear to ear.

“Rylee has some news to tell you. Don’t worry, I won’t steal your thunder, Rylee!”

Rylee comes walking toward me crying. My mom-stinct jumped at my daughter’s tears.

"What happened?!"

“It’s good news! Jim and Adam got a new puppy, another English Mastiff. AND THEY ARE NAMING HER AFTER ME!”

“WHAT?! OH MY GOD! LORD THANK YOU! What a sweet blessing! Grab your shoes, we’re going to Jim’s!”

Rylee rings the bell. And we are now, for the first time, standing in Jim’s house. They knew they wanted to name a puppy they hadn’t even met after my daughter!

Everyone, say hello to Rylee and her namesake, Rylee!

 

Rylee may get a part time summer job for walking this cutie. You tell me who is going to walk who!